Friday, June 09, 2006

Hard Rock Zombies

Directed by Krishna Shah, 1984

Okay. Call your friends, get your casual drug of choice, make some food, and track down a copy of Hard Rock Zombies. I think it replaces Troll 2 as the #1 Bad Movie Night pick.

A (nameless?!) hair metal band (that actually plays corny synth-pop) is on the road trying to make it (maaaan). They're amusing enough...the drummer stands on his stool spinning his sticks most of the time, the sensitive frontman has a mullet + moustache combo to die for, and they like to spend their free time frolicking and practicing mime (really). However, after the show a young girl ominously warns them not to continue on their tour.

"The gig is waaaaack...the sound guy suuuuucks, and you won't get paiiiiid"

(not really)

In the hick town of Grand Guignol, they end up staying at a big old house with a family who is like the Addams Family meets the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. With midgets. Hijinx ensue (both funny and "funny"), but after awhile the lo-fi production and the lack of any actual zombies begin to grate. That is, until about halfway through when the movie goes COMPLETELY OFF THE RAILS.

Okay, you guys. Are you ready? You can stop reading now if you don't want me to spoil Hard Rock Zombies for you. Okay. So the band's manager is having dinner with the creepy family (the band having already been murdered at this point, if I forgot to mention it). The patriarch is a 95-year old German dude who still bumps fuzzies with his wife ("And our freakish midget grandchildren want to watch? How could I say nein?!"). In the middle of dinner, the Nazi Alarm goes off, and he rips off his face Scooby Doo-style to reveal...yes, yes, HITLER. And, OMG you guys, not only is Hitler behind everything, but he is in cahoots with WEREWOLF EVA BRAUN.

Obviously the rockers cannot let this stand, so they come back from the grave to fight back. Even better, they are not sporting zombie make-up, but KISS MAKE-UP. Really.

I won't pore over the rest of the ridiculousness, but I can't let the ending go un-noted. How does one kill Hitler and his Nazi Zombies? YOU FUCKING GAS HIM IN HIS OWN GAS CHAMBER, THAT'S HOW. Yeah. They did it.

Zombie explanation: HITLER.

Favorite Zombie: That would have to be Phil Fondacaro's character. What's the only way to trump the zombie vs. shark scene from Zombi 2? MIDGET NAZI ZOMBIE VS. COW, THAT'S HOW.

Phil, I'm truly sorry that you had to be involved in this debacle. As Maddie put it, "I feel like this movie touched me in a bad place." Enjoy.

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